There's actually a name for this dynamic. It's called Peter Pan and Wendy Syndrome. Actually, I'm not exactly sure it's a syndrome. I'm not really a doctor, but I do have a PhD: Pretty Huge Disinterest in juvenile bullshit. So let's explore this, shall we?
So what is this whole Peter Pan and Wendy thing? Sounds mystical and fun. Like flying
through the air, high on love. Nope. Not a chance. You know how Peter stays young
forever and then Wendy ages and ages?
It's one of those May-December situations
but this calendar sits next to a clock, and time is running out on Wendy. Her patience
is running thin. Thinner than the walls of her rapidly aging heart. She wouldn't even be
aging this fast if Peter wasn't such a colossal headache. So basically this dynamic is
applied to a relationship in which the male exhibits the behavior of a
teenager, while the female takes on the mature caregiving role. It sucks.
Literally. Soul-sucking.
You can't let this happen to you. So learn to recognize a shift toward this course so that you can make a solid attempt to steer clear of the storm it will likely cause.
He spends way too much time on juvenile things. Always with his friends, maybe not even
thinking to invite you along. Or perhaps not telling you when he has plans with them
because he doesn't consider how that might impact your schedule. He's giving priority to
his pals. He's out with them all night. He invites them over without checking in with
you. He can't seem to put his phone down- constantly texting with them, and interacting
on social media.
Then there are the video games. On the mic, smack talking his
buds at all hours of the day and night. He's glued to that system both with and without
their influence. All he seems to want to do with his relaxation is game in one form or
another. He's not a total dick about it though. Sometimes he invites you to partake.
Even goes out to 7/11 and buys you your own Slurpee and jumbo dog meal.
Extra melted cheese sauce- just the way he likes it because he knows you're not going to take him up on the offer. But he's convinced that it's his thought that counts. What a sweetheart.
He parties. A lot. This is a problem already, but then the level of alcohol and substances being consumed and abused add a whole other layer of issues. His motto is "go hard or go home", only he does both, in exactly that order. He returns to you after that night of partying and you are left to take care of him. He is irresponsible. The party starts to affect his day to day. His work and the relationship suffers because of it. Maybe he prefers a low-key sort of fun, and it's less high-energy but high just the same.
He is looking for more calming vices to help relax, but things like this also remove the energy from your relationship. Sure he is home, but he's no good to you laid up on the couch half-baked and reading comics.
Well, this really isn't so bad. I mean, we all still need our parents, right? We don't just become adults and suddenly revoke their titles because we stop looking to them for everything. Is he abusing it though? He really shouldn't be getting extra help from them on the regular. I mean financially of course. Though it's worth noting if he relies on them for all of his emotional support too. If he can't seem to make a decision without looping them in and seeking out their advice, that's a bit of a problem. He should be able to get through the day without calling them and unloading every minute of his day on them. If his parents know as much about his life as you, it really calls your intimacy into question.
You should not be a substitute for what he can no longer get from his mother. You should not be following him around like a toddler, cleaning up his messes and making sure he is wearing clean underwear. Speaking of clean underwear, you shouldn't have to remind him to do his laundry, and you definitely should not be doing that laundry for him. Cleaning up after him, doing all the cooking, running the errands and keeping the household running. These are things moms do. You are not his mother. You are partners and the responsibilities should be divided equally. He should be able to recognize when things need doing, and go ahead and do them without prompting. It's bad enough to feel like a mother to your lover, you don't want to feel like a nag either. Don't settle for being his MILF.
As teenagers, we were content to stay in bed late. Content to remain at the party until well after curfew. Content to say our first love was the love of our life because we knew nothing else. Content not to fix something that isn't broken. This isn't a way to live life! We can't just decide that we have everything we need in this air-conditioned basement, so we're just going to remain here for the rest of the summer. We have everything we need in the womb, but we still have to push forward sometime. He has to start that process. Begin to think ahead. He has to want things. He can't sit at a dead end job just because it's enough. Having things be enough, doing the bare minimum, just being content- these things all lead to complacency. If he wants "lived a complacent life" scrawled on his tombstone, then that's fine for him. But there are two of you trying to build a life here. He needs to think about the future. Discuss it with you. Plan. Start taking those steps to move forward. It is possible that he does want to talk about these things and start making progress in life. Fear and insecurity could be holding him back. But if that's the case, it needs to be addressed. You can't be caught in his desire to stand still forever.
Some of us don't have the luxury of existing in a cushy state of arrested development into adulthood, and of those who have, very few have ridden it all the way to retirement. We all get forced out. It's time for you to grab hold of the situation. It's going to start with you bursting the bubble he has been living in. You need to call him out. It's not going to be easy, but it doesn't have to be messy either. You need to sit him down and explain that it's time to have a real conversation about your future as a couple.
Life isn't a fairy tale. It's time to get to work. You both have a lot of work to do here. He needs to examine his behavior, perhaps after you gently point it out- chances are he hasn't noticed it on his own. The work on your end will be keeping him informed of what exactly is at stake, and doing your best not to slip back into a pattern of enabling.
You need to establish solid boundaries. Create schedules. Limit the time spent feeding these behaviors. Agree to have dinner and talk about your plans for the future several times per week. Even if it's just what you want to plant in the garden, or where you would like to take your next vacation. Having goals to work toward together, and reinforcing that you are both committed to them with strengthen you as a couple and help reset that 50/50 balance.
Don't cut out his social time altogether. Try to agree on a limit. He can have a night out once a week with his pals, where you utilize that time for yourself. In addition, you take a night out with your friends and allow him his time to decompress with his hobbies. In addition to this, you can agree to have an evening of socializing together as a couple. That's three nights a week that are open to socializing, fun and relaxation. It's beyond fair and leaves you with other days that can be spent working toward those goals, spending quality time together, getting things done, or just chilling.
Divide up the responsibilities. I'm not saying chore wheel or anything ridiculous like that. But maybe discuss what tasks he doesn't mind doing or helping with. Compromise. If he takes on those tasks exclusively, then others that he does not like doing may become yours. Trade off, or just set a time and go through it all together. There are many ways to arrange these household tasks. Find one that works best for you as a couple. Just be sure he knows that taking some of that added stress off of you alleviates it from the relationship. It will reduce the nagging and save you from feeling like his mother all the time.
Let him know that he can talk to you about things. He should be able to unburden himself and lean on you, as you should be able to do with him. Get each other's advice. There is no need to call in mom and dad over every little thing.
It is important that he knows you want a man, not a boy. He needs to be aware that when the dynamic shifts to this, it has negative effects on your sex life. It may benefit you to use sex as a metaphor. Let's be clear, I am not, in any way, advising you to use it as a weapon. Just explain in the simplest terms. In the bedroom, he wants to be satisfied, and so do you. He doesn't want to have to do all the work, and neither do you. You want to please each other. You want to be adventurous and explore. You want to be attracted to one another and feel excited by your time together. These are all things that can, and should, be applied to your partnership outside of the bedroom. Fantasy is fun, and if you want to roleplay as Peter and Wendy, then by all means. But you don't want to be trapped in this dynamic forever.
Another thing to consider is outside help. It's not always easy to break childish behavior. Especially if you're dealing with someone who reacts with insecurity and heated teenage emotions. These were just jumping off points to try, but there is no way it's going to be smooth sailing the whole way through. You need to be careful. It is far too easy to enable. You might not even realize that you started back into it. You also have outside forces to reckon with. If he's been this way for so long, it is because his family and friends have been enabling it too. You aren't the only one aiding and abetting this crime to his development. He shouldn't have to serve a life sentence and neither should you. Develop those boundaries with his friends and family as well, and he should be helping you with that. The last thing you want is to come across as controlling and territorial. You are not his mom, remember. If you can convince him to work together then you can defeat Captain Hook! Oh. That's just what I'm calling the real man you ultimately hook up with when this doesn't work out ;)
There's actually a name for this dynamic. It's called Peter Pan and Wendy Syndrome. Actually, I'm not exactly sure it's a syndrome. I'm not really a doctor.
