Looking to explore how an open relationship can spice up, or even potentially save your current partnership? We got the scoop for you on how it all works!
We can't be everything to someone, no matter how hard we try. It's a lot of pressure. In turn, we can't expect that of someone else. No matter how uniquely perfect our partner seems for us, there is always at least one area where they fall short. I don't say this to be cruel. Like I said, we have our own shortcomings too. We can work hard and try to improve, but it doesn't always fill that hole. It's like acting in a way. You can be a fantastic actor. You can go in for an audition and really nail that part. There are other equally talented actors out there though. It's possible that another goes in and not only nails it, but brings something else to the role that your performance was missing. They get the part. I'm definitely not endorsing you to go out there an audition new potential lovers or try out for that part on someone else's stage. I'm just trying to offer another perspective.
I should specify that the kind of open relationship I am talking about is a sexually based one. Not to say there should be no other interaction. Obviously, you meet someone and should probably have a conversation, maybe a drink. But I am speaking to the kind of open relationship that favors your existing one, and puts it above all else. You are not actively looking for other forms of love and partnerships. You just maintain a very basic understanding and agreement that your partnership is not bound by the strict rules of monogamy. Adult encounters aren't necessarily encouraged between the two of you, but they are not off the table.
So how does that tie into fulfillment mentioned above? Well, say for example, that you are out at a work event and happen to meet someone who works in your chosen field. You strike up a conversation, and they seem to be connecting with you on a level that your current partner does not meet. There is a bit of a spark there, something you feel inclined to explore. It's a heated dance that is leading to one place. This person may not come close to what your partner has to offer in other areas of your relationship, it's also possible that you may not even enjoy sex with them the same way you do with your partner. But there is no denying the draw. Let's face it when a relationship has been going on for a long time, the heat dissipates. So what I'm talking about is holding on to the wonderful life you have built, but also being able to find and explore that heat that makes you feel alive. There are many ways that this sort of arrangement can infuse life into the partnership you share with your love. You just need to go about it the right way.
Exploring an open relationship can actually strengthen the communication between a couple. First of all, you would not even be considering this option if you haven't talked it out extensively with one another first. Already you prove to be in a mature, trusting, and open-minded partnership. The melding of two open minds already screams excellent communication skills. It means that you have pondered together, discussed, debated, and learned so much from each other. Healthy conversation is an incredible bonding tool. So my personal feeling is that, if you have explored each other's minds and feels thoroughly enough to arrive at this point, then chances are you've established a solid foundation of intimacy and emotional support.
Once that foundation is laid down, you can start to build together. This means establishing your boundaries as a couple. What do you expect of your partner in this arrangement that you can adhere to yourself? What are some of the main things you hope to gain from this experience? Or are there things you hope to shed? For example, a "gain" might be a heightening of your desire for each other, or perhaps a significant boost of your time spent in the bedroom together. It's possible that something you might hope to shed with your open encounters is a specific insecurity you might be tripping you up at home. Maybe you don't feel as confident with seduction or dirty talk with your partner. Being able to work through some of that with another person may help you gain confidence and recharge your sexual desire.
Other boundaries to consider are the types of encounters that are appropriate. A good hard rule would be something like "no sleeping friends or people we know". Make sure to put it all out on the table up front. This is truly one of the most vulnerable times in your relationship. This might be very hard and emotional for both of you, but the best thing you can do is be honest and raw. You should also discuss the guidelines of your communication going forward. An open relationship does not work if you do not maintain an open dialogue. You need to decide in advance when and how you will discuss this aspect of your life. How much detail should you be offering? Establish that honesty rules over all. So if one partner asks a question, even if you worry that they will not like the answer, you must answer with the complete truth.
This might seem like a bizarre thing to focus on considering this is about being with
other people. It is imperative that you have unwavering faith and trust in your partner
if this open relationship is ever going to work.
You need to trust
that they are always communicating with you honestly, that they are respecting the
boundaries you've set together, and that they are protecting themselves, as well as you
in every encounter.
Home is where your heart is. Which means it is where your partner lives. Be kind to your heart and theirs, as well as to your home base. You need to respect it and protect it. That means no encounters on the premises. It means using protection and getting yourself checked regularly so you do not cause any harm to your loved one. It also means cherishing your intimacy. The specific bond you share with your partner should not be shared with the other people you spend time with. Do not try to mimic it, and do not share your private life with those people.
The only constant partner you should have is the one you share a home with. Do not seek out an ongoing hookup. You are not out there to build new relationships and juggle the feelings of others. While you may go out with someone before sleeping with them, the goal is to scratch an itch for relief, not open a wound. Do not start dating. Do not go out of your way to do things for your hookups, or be any form of emotional support for them on an ongoing basis. This is not polyamory. You do not get to create tiers and put time and effort into fostering new relationships. You and your partner have given each other a gift. You've afforded one another freedoms and lifted a few of the pressures and expectations off of your own relationship. If you handle this responsibly and treat your relationship with respect, then you may actually see the trust between you strengthen and grow.
It's bound to rear its ugly head from time to time. It can be hard not to think about the pesky details, even if this is something you want for yourself as well. Jealousy can actually work two ways here, and both could potentially benefit you. This first way it works is that it actually may lessen. With that much trust and openness between you, the petty form of jealousies that exist in other relationships are far less likely to come up in open ones. You have a clear understanding and know when its worthy of concern. That being said, when jealousy does come up, its usually far more serious. When it gets to this point though, it acts as a fuel to the fire. Jealousy can really ramp up your sex life. The idea that someone else desires your partner and had shared a bed with them can make you want to go to the mattresses with your lover and remind them of why they come home to you.
The point is to use any and all of the emotions that are stirred up from these experiences and put them to good use in the bedroom. The goal is to enhance your sex life. You refuse to let it go stale and die. You are fighting for your passion. So be sure to be passionate every chance you get. Be vulnerable. Hold each other. Ravage each other. Try things you've never try and say things you've never said. This is a bold relationship move, so use it. Be bold.
You definitely need to find your balance here. Be sure to check in, make sure that the other person is okay, happy and wants to continue. If ever there is a time one of you wants to pull the plug on the arrangement, you need to vocalize it. Make sure to put your feelings out there as often as you can. But part of this balance is also knowing when the appropriate place and time for these things are. You don't want to bring it up randomly when your partner may not be having the best day. If you have kids, definitely make any sort of family time or shared spaces off limits for this topic of discussion. Agree not to discuss it with your friends. It doesn't matter how open and progressive you are, just because your bestie couple claims they are woke, doesn't mean you should be divulging your private lives over a glass of pinot noir under the moonlight. But doesn't that little bit of privacy, or secrecy make it even more exciting? When Mr. or Mrs. so and so say "The two of you seem to be doing so well! How do you maintain such a happy relationship?" take this opportunity to smile at your partner, exchange a glance of mutual appreciation. Then say something generic and laugh. Keep your little secret to yourself. Touch each other when you can. Put each other at ease with the question. Use it to build a flirtation the rest of the night. Then go upstairs and have some of the best sex you've ever had.
Essentially, what you are doing is creating a safe space. A bubble in which the two of you exist for yourselves and each other, away from the rest of society and their judgments. This may not be the type of thing you want to bring up to others. It is for you and you alone. Any prospective sexual partner you may have should be told the score if they inquire. You can explain how its build on honesty and mutual respect, so you intend to carry that forward and offer them that same openness. So while you may share this information with the other people who are technically involved, it doesn't mean you need to offer them your reasons and guidelines or details about your arrangement.
If anything, the only outside perspective I would recommend is that of a marriage or relationship counselor. Continuing your healthy approach to this lifestyle should include care for your mental wellbeing too. Seek out couples therapy. Take sessions together, and one on one. Taking your relationship and the choices you make for it as seriously as you can is just another way to prove to both yourself and your partner that your connection is the most important thing in this world. You are vowing to protect it.
Looking to explore how an open relationship can spice up, or even potentially save your current partnership? We got the scoop for you on how it all works!
